you can find the darnedest stuff in forgotten paper piles. had to scan this before trashing it. think i was more positive back in 94.

More strange dreams last night. Apparently I worked and lived in the same building. Some weird old gaudy hotel in Manhattan. Throughout the work day I bounced back and forth between the two a lot, and each time I did something strange happened on the elevator. I remember a very large woman attacking me. A girl with a Russian accent violently squeezing my ass. A guy holding about 20 candy bars in his hands. I was always late getting back to my desk and always neglecting something at home.

Lots of new (to me, at least) music to listen to today: The Good Life's Help Wanted Nights, Hot Hot Heat's Happiness Ltd., the newish Mt. Eerie Mt. Eerie Parts 6 & 7, and the Lemuria split with Kind of Like Spitting Your Living Room's All Over Me.

Not much hope for the first two, but fall releases generally please me even if they're not quite up to snuff. We shall see....

Last night I dreamt that I was hanging out with Phil Elvrum. He played a show in a bookstore and then another one at a café somewhere on a college campus. After the café show I talked to him for a bit, bought some records from him, and then he asked me if I wanted to grab a bite.

The night before I dreamt that I was in a mall with a person I went to high school with but barely talked to and a newer friend who I haven’t talked to much lately. They drove me home, and while on the way I discovered that my cell phone was broken. Once we arrived home (not my home, mind you – it was a house around the block from the neighborhood I grew up in) I’d realized that I left my car at the mall. Neither could drive me back, despite my begging one of them (his logic was sound: there was a police officer, Mexican couple, and infant taking up all of the seats in his car). I started walking home-home (that is, the actual house I grew up in) and saw that my brother’s car was in the driveway. As I walked toward the house I turned my attention to my phone again, further fiddling to try to get it working. As I neared my home, I looked up from my phone to see my brother peeling out of the driveway, in the opposite direction. I ran for him and screamed loudly to get his attention, but he didn’t notice. I was locked out of the house and began to fiddle with my phone again. While I didn’t have much success, I was able to somehow dial my mother’s phone number. After two rings I was greeted with her outgoing voicemail stating “I occasionally leave for more than 31 days at a time. Should you be calling me during one of those times, I’d appreciate it if you could come over and feed my cats.” I’m not sure to whom this message was directed. Then I woke up.

listening to: so rich, so pretty - mickey avalon

eating: turkey, swiss, romaine, tomato, (cranberry mayo?) wrap

feeling: bananas

i recently dropped my brother off at university. unique experience. on the way to the place i was reading kingdom of fear by hunter thompson. i came across this "jesus hates bald pussy" article and was reminded why thompson is shelf, shelf. i liked it so much i made my mom read it out loud on the ride back. she read it well and even commented that she liked certain parts. enjoy.

Murray.

My only fear is my own power...When im good, Im good...When im bad, Im better... Wouldn't you like to know?...Spend time with people i care about,and Live everyday like its my last moment in this cold, cold world........ SELF DEFEAT ... My feet were planted on the ground... but my mind was high into space... when i looked into the mirror I stared at the scars of defeat on my face... I stared at that person, and i didnt like what i see... And at that point I started cursin at the man Ive grown to be... I cant ever forget that feeling. because a man that forgets his history,is doomed to repeat it. ... ONLY U KNOW WHY .... The peices of my broken heart can never be replaced... The steps that I have taken in my life should never be retraced... No one should have to feel my pain, or my tourment... Its a shame to think of where ive been, and where i am at this moment... The things Ive seen, and done... Should never be witnessed by anyone... Its a story about a boy who faught for it all... Before his downfall... Who was born into the street... And taught only defeat... By parents who cared, but werent aware that the drugs they choose would destin me to loose... The streets chose me, I didnt choose the streets... My vision as i grew became so foggy that i couldnt see... See that it eats me alive... And for the money i strive... After all is said and done, the streets drove me mad... Now im forced to stand on my own , and stop the run before i loose the rest of what life have... Sometimes i just wanna roll over and scream... So i can waik up from this horrible dream... Before i loose whats left... I need to find my true meaning on earth, and ask god to help me through this mess... i pray I keep walking with my head held high... Ill keep moving on, and olnly u know why... ONE MORE CHANCE... I am surrounded by faces ,and faces but still feel completely alone...I am hounded by the life I taisted, The only life Ive ever known...But i cant complain I brought it upon myself... All the hurt and the pain that i ever so foolishly felt...My feet stomp the ground,But my mind is so distorted that i might not ever come around...Its hard to ignore all the sorrow around me,and the fear of how tomarow might be...The voice in my head grows louder... Calling me back to the streets in search of money, respect and power...If i start up again I wont finish the dance of life... But this shit has got to end... This is my last chance to get it right... REMEMBER SHOOT FOR THE MOON , EVEN IF YOU MISS YOUR STILL AMUNGST THE STARS
-t gunz